Among other things, iSuck at keeping in touch

To everyone,

Hello! If you are an important person in my life, you already know about it. If not then maybe you aren't, yet, maybe you will not be, ever. But those of you already know, I suck at keeping in touch. But I think about how I do not keep in touch with you and instead of picking up the phone or going over to your place, I choose to beat myself up over how I don't keep in touch and how I suck at it (SO productive, I know). It is a vicious cycle I manage to break from time to time, thankfully.

I just thought it is about time I apologized for being so passive about it and I have decided to be more assertive. I will ensure I make you feel important you freaking awesome important human!

With lots of love,
Me!

Among other things, iExist

Manier times a person comes to a point in life where they look at a person or a bunch of people and say, 'I could not have done this without you.' or 'I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you.'
On the other hand, there will be times when some people will waltz into your life and say, 'You could not have made here without me.'

I understand the first feeling, it is mostly a feeling of deep affection and unwavering gratefulness.
The second, however, is just diluted narcissism. It ain't pure. People who are too rich and full of themselves often consider their roles in others' lives as more important than your role is in your own life. Pity is the only feeling I can spare for them. I have met such people in my life and honestly I do not regret meeting them.
Whenever you encounter people you do not get along with, you can just always walk away or you can stick around to see if it works out. You either make a friend or a mistake. Learn from it. Thank them for making you stronger. And let them be a messiah to others 'cause apparently without them people are doomed!
We are the most intelligent race and we choose to be THIS.
I exist because of my family, who gave birth to me.
I exist because of my friends/partner who stood by me.
I exist because I overcame the mistakes I made.
I exist because I want to exist.
Simple.

Among other things, iChange

Recently, whenever I look into the mirror I see a stranger staring right back at me. My reflection seems to have more character in it than I do. Everyday, the reflection changes - ever so slightly - but enough for me to step back, then step into that reflection. Is it me? Am I so shallow that my reflection is taking over me? Time will tell.

Among other things iLose track

Fleeting moments of the past. How many times have we tried to capture a frame and just freeze it in time? How many times have we thought so much about the past that we completely forgot about what lies ahead of us? How man times have we lost track of the present?

I have been told that nostalgia is a feeling that almost always ends up making us feel not quite happy. We arrange and rearrange our memories. We desaturate what was a flaring red to a dull grey; we make parts we want to remember so vibrant that it fades everything else away. Why do we cling to the past so vehemently? Letting go of the past does not mean forgetting about it, of course. But clinging to it? Definitely unhealthy. Expecting things to go back to how they were? Truely unhealthier. Yearning to go back and changing decisions/choices? Tsk.

Time hurts and time heals. But time does not go back, it only moves forward. The only time machine that is going to exist is our (at times, very biased) minds; taking us back and forth. Faster than the speed of light we can go back to our childhood memories.

Learning to know when to look back and when to stop - then look straight ahead is what needs mastering, and again, it takes time - does it not?

Among other things, iHang on

Part 1

In the land

Of blinding chaos

Amongst you and me

Between infinite layers

There is something

I should hold on to

I should find it

And I should find it soon

I know not where I stand

I know not where I will be

For I am crippled by an unknown dread

Am I dead?

Or am I just...

Hanging by a thread. [to be continued].

Among other things, iShare

I have had a weird way of looking at the world. I used to think, only good things happen to good people and if a bad thing happens to them, their goodness is being tested. Till I was around 22 years old, I held on to this belief. Then one day, I wished for my life to get tough while walking home from station. Those of you who believe in God will be happy to know that my 'prayer' was granted. Life got messy, it kept getting messier and I kept thinking, this is a test and I will not fall. But I did. I fell and whenever I tried to get back up, on my knees, I was kicked back. By life. I struggled to stand. But no. Then I thought maybe I will kneel to life and stay on my knees, too afraid to move. It pushed me down, beat me up shoved me in a deep dark cave. I lay down on my back and stared at the cracks of the dark cave and lost all my will to get back up. I stayed there for days, months, years...I shifted to a tunnel with no light at the end of it. I kept walking slowly, occasionally being shoved down; always afraid a train would come and hit me from somewhere (I know this sounds really punny :|). Anyway, this is what depression was for me. And still is.

My rendezvous with the darkness happens from time to time. I am shut. There is no light. However now there is a small but very important exception. There is a tiny window that sheds light from time to time. Like there is a lighthouse outside trying to save a ship from sinking on a stormy night.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been supportive. You have no idea how much it means to me. How much it helps me to hold on and not give in.

Thank you. And if I seem rude and distant, it is just me, in the cave, waiting for the light.

Love you!

Among other things, iConnect

Saw the first few episodes of Jessica Jones. Really liking it. So this is for you, Jessica:

I thought I thought

But it was you all along

I thought I’d sing

A little song

About the scar you left

On my eyes

Everything I see

I see through your ways

So am I still thinking

Is this still my head?

Is it still my will?

Is it still my say?

Was it always me all along

Am I still the one singing this song

Am I still strong...

Enough to see I’m not wrong

Am I strong enough to see

I am weak

That I’m really really weak

I mutter the names of fucking streets

Do I even want to forget

Do I even want to fight

Do I know that I was right

You and I

Are we the same?

At the end of a tiring day

Tonight I will sleep

Just sleep

No nightmares

No, no more

Just sleep, without you

On my bed

Alone

Without you.

Among other things, iVoice

"Who are you? Where are you?!", demanded a frustrated voice.
"I wonder who am I? Where am I?", a calm voice replied.
"Why can't I see anything?!" I can see you, though. "What is happening here!!"  Who knows?
"Would you believe me if I said I am as clueless as you are?"
"I don't care about what you feel!" Neither do I.
"Why can't I open my eyes...? Why...?", the frustration still intact, the voice broke..
"Why can't I see..?", the voice said between sobs "I want to see.."
"Your eyes are open.", said the calm voice, with a cold edge now.
"Then am I blind... "
"Yes, you always were."
Sobs. More sobs. Helpless sobs. Muffled sobs. Tired sobs.
Hours. Days. Weeks. Years. Decades.
"Who are you...Where are you..?", the voice searched for the other.
"You have been silent...please talk to me...release me."
A long silence.
Minutes. Hours.
"Who are you?! Where are you?!", followed by a hysterical scream. Screams that went on for hours, clouding the voice, killing the voice.
"Now you are mute too."
"The years of bawling, finally ends." 
Silence.
"Who am I?"
"Where am I?"
Silence, finally.
"You asked the wrong questions, all along."
"The question is, who are you? Where are YOU!", a scream, followed by more silence. Good.

"For I am nothing. I am nowhere."

"LET us go then, you and I,

When the evening is spread out against the sky

Like a patient etherized upon a table;

Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,

The muttering retreats        

Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels

And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:

Streets that follow like a tedious argument

Of insidious intent

To lead you to an overwhelming question….       

Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”

Let us go and make our visit."

- The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, T. S. Eliot.

Among other things, iAdvise

Mistakes. We all make 'em. Knowingly, unknowingly; but we make 'em. But what about the part that is called 'post-mistake making guilt' stage? So you made a mistake. I make a hundred every day! Okay, okay! I'll give you a realistic figure...I make a THOUSAND mistakes every day.
But that is besides the point. I used to be a slave to my mistakes for a very long time. I still bask in the glory of that guilt from time to time but, I feel it really needs to stop. You made a mistake, learn from it and move on. You make a mistake you learn from it, but you repeat it. Either way, the mistake is going to be in the past. So my advice (if you don't want it, go away) would be that make mistakes but do not be a slave to it. And then be afraid of trying something new or stepping out of your comfort zone. 'Cause let's be real, you are going to fuck up, you might as well be well-saddled for it. So go ahead, make a mistake, fail, hurt people. But just remember one thing, that actions will have consequences so you might want to work on learning from the mistake and not being a freaking slave of it for the rest of your life!
Time-travel! So you are about to make a mistake and you know it is a grave one. Tell yourself that 'Buddy, I am the future you, and this mistake is going to hold you back for a good number of years and it is going to crush you under the gigantic mountain of GUILT. So stop. Do not do it. Make a smaller mistake. Indulge in a cheese cake instead."
Time-travel, I tell you, solves EVERYTHING. Except it can destroy your hometown like Arcadia Bay (#lifeisstrangereference). So here is my two cents:

Among other things, iQuote

Trying something new? Let us see if I stick with it :) This is not to encourage anyone to take their lives but to do the opposite. If anyone feels they are worthless and want to take their life, I feel they need to feel their presence and then realise what their absence would do. So this is a quote I came up with. The image is poor quality and my handwriting is bad and it sounds so horribly emo, but to me it is not. Anyone who ever feels alone is always welcome to talk to me. I will help. Cheers!