Tuesday 5 December 2017

Among other things, iLive

You have compared yourself to several people at some point of life, right? I keep telling myself that the only way to live is "being a better person than I was yesterday."

Honestly, I have sort of started feeling that THAT is a load of crap. Now, I'm no wise sage but I have been observing and introspecting. And I just had this series of moments, where I realised some stuff. 
Live is to learn. That is all there is. 
My hopes, my dreams, my aspirations...these change as I age. What used to be a dream now might be something I have lost interest in- or maybe I have achieved it only to realise that 'well, that was underwhelming.' No, I'm not trying to undermine what we achieve. A lot of times they DO make us feel happy. But happiness is temporary. 
So then, are achieving dreams going to get me to these fleeting moments of happiness? I'd cherish those precious moments but I'm not looking for anything temporary in the long run. 

Well, what then? 
"Inner peace."
I don't know about others but for me, my inner chaos is way more stable. 

I don't live to compare myself to anyone else or even myself. 
I don't live for my dreams that keep shifting.
I don't live to achieve happiness either.

What do I live for then?
I'm living to learn. Add dimensions to my being. To explore. To experience absolute chaos and to ultimately surrender myself to the 'peace' everyone keeps talking about.

But first, I need to understand that comparisons are inevitable but can be controlled.
Dreams and happiness are temporary but are still precious. 
Looking for validation for our actions and decisions is innate.

But, man, you gotta learn. Learning, to me, is the purest action one can do with their lives. What they learn may or may not be approved. As long as you want to learn, you are alive.

So here is hoping that I learn - a lot many things.

Monday 17 July 2017

Among other things, iSay goodbye

Dear friend,

Hope you have been doing fine. There was a time I wished I knew how you were doing fine or how you were miserable but now I really do hope you are fine. But it stops there. I don’t care if your future is bright or if it is bleak; I have lost interest. I guess this is called the death of a relationship. So I mark myself ‘safe’ in this death.
I missed the times we spent together. I missed it when once you got fascinated by a torn yet colourful mosquito net hanging behind me. I drew strength from you. I loved you.
You sucked the living daylights out of me. I let you. But it has stopped.
All good and bad things.
This is me saying goodbye to you.
I am happy. I do not care if you are. But I do not care if you are not either.

A forgiven and forgotten soul.

Thursday 20 April 2017

Among other things, iOpen up

If you have been following my page and have been reading my blog, it will not come to you as a surprise that I suffer from depression. The disease not the state of mind.

I go to a therapist regularly. I am on medication for anxiety, depression. I know a lot of people who are going through treatment for this and then I know people who are not going through any form of therapy.

What is it like to be depressed? I have been asked that many times. Many asked me to understand me better, others asked me just 'cause they were curious. I told them as much as I could. Even though I suffer from it, it is very difficult to make anyone understand how I feel, 'cause well...I don't know how I feel a lot of times. I cannot process it.

When I came to Mumbai after living a very self-made lonely life in Kolkata, I had so many friends. Then, they started disappearing, gradually. Some just could not keep up with me withdrawing myself or going on a sudden hiatus. Totally understandable. Never blamed them.

I made some friends who were not exactly the right people for my life back then, or now. I don't know if they are 'good' or 'bad'. I don't understand those concepts.

I made bad decisions.
So there are 'actions' and 'consequences'. So obviously I had to own up to my actions. Which I did and will do. But yeah it still hurts me that some people I barely knew just judged me and walked out on me. And then again there were people who knew everything and still walked out when I did my best to not 'offend' them, I guess? Who knows.

There are two sides to a story. My side remains unheard.

Monday 20 March 2017

Among other things, iFeel

Mumbai is the big city. Full of noise, traffic jams, pace, ambitions...so on and so forth. Many assume, while many complain that nobody has the time to care in Mumbai. You live your day, survive it, afford things you need, indulge in things you don't need sometimes and that sums up one working day in the city. Oh how could I leave out 'Call the cops if you detect any suspicious odour coming from the next door neighbour's place'.
A lot has been said about how the city does not really bounce back after terrorist attacks since people have no choice but to go back to work thanks to it being one of the most expensive cities out there. How people are so full of apathy that they do not even care about their own lives let alone lives of strangers they pass by.
Sounds to me the city is rather robotic, insensitive and superficial.
Well, it is not.
While it is not entirely untrue that apathy persists in the city, but it is not just limited to Mumbai but all over the country. I can vouch for that 'cause I am not from just one city.

When I lived in Mumbai I had a particular incident that I'm going to share here.

I used to be a psychology student and I had my social psychology paper on that day. Now me being me, I was extremely into psychology. I mean EXTREMELY. I read my social psychology book like a freaking novel. So I got obsessed with it :|
So on the day of the exam, I'm sitting in the bus and reading about 'the bystanders' effect' for the thousandth time and suddenly I'm hit with a wave of panic. Yes, folks, you heard me. I trigger social phobia off. So I am in a state of panic and I am sure I cannot recall anything that I have studied (very common dilemma among students, I know).
So somehow I get off the bus at the train station and catch my train. My friend trying to calm me down but I am in another world. She convinces me to at least get on the train and I do. But the moment I step in the compartment my head starts to spin and my stomach is in knots.
"I need to puke", I manage to whisper.
She takes me to the other end of the train's entrance (the one not facing the platform, but the tracks). I hurl out everything I had for breakfast.
Then I just shut my eyes and stand. Then I notice that the train had not moved at all. It was not rush hour, everyone had got on so why was it not moving? I peek out of the compartment and see the train driver looking my way. In a second he moves in and starts the train. He actually waited for me to finish puking.
I was travelling in the ladies compartment, at least 20 women treated me like I was their own kid and some offered me food, water, medicine..a hug.
This city and its people are not insensitive. Those you call it insensitive are probably the insensitive ones. PROBABLY. If you can't see these daily miracles, you have shut the city of 'Mumbai' in the box of 'insensitivity'. May be, just may be, it is time to take another peek into that box. You never know what may change.

Until the next post (hopefully, before apocalypse *oh wait Trump is the President, it has already begun, PERHAPS*)

P.S. Love these 'P' words (yes, even THAT one).

Tuesday 28 June 2016

Among other things, iSuck at keeping in touch

To everyone,

Hello! If you are an important person in my life, you already know about it. If not then maybe you aren't, yet, maybe you will not be, ever. But those of you already know, I suck at keeping in touch. But I think about how I do not keep in touch with you and instead of picking up the phone or going over to your place, I choose to beat myself up over how I don't keep in touch and how I suck at it (SO productive, I know). It is a vicious cycle I manage to break from time to time, thankfully.

I just thought it is about time I apologized for being so passive about it and I have decided to be more assertive. I will ensure I make you feel important you freaking awesome important human!

With lots of love,

Saturday 4 June 2016

Among other things, iExist

Manier times a person comes to a point in life where they look at a person or a bunch of people and say, 'I could not have done this without you.' or 'I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you.'
On the other hand, there will be times when some people will waltz into your life and say, 'You could not have made here without me.'

I understand the first feeling, it is mostly a feeling of deep affection and unwavering gratefulness.
The second, however, is just diluted narcissism. It ain't pure. People who are too rich and full of themselves often consider their roles in others' lives as more important than your role is in your own life. Pity is the only feeling I can spare for them. I have met such people in my life and honestly I do not regret meeting them.
Whenever you encounter people you do not get along with, you can just always walk away or you can stick around to see if it works out. You either make a friend or a mistake. Learn from it. Thank them for making you stronger. And let them be a messiah to others 'cause apparently without them people are doomed!
We are the most intelligent race and we choose to be THIS.
I exist because of my family, who gave birth to me.
I exist because of my friends/partner who stood by me.
I exist because I overcame the mistakes I made.
I exist because I want to exist.

Monday 2 May 2016

Among other things, iChange

Recently, whenever I look into the mirror I see a stranger staring right back at me. My reflection seems to have more character in it than I do. Everyday, the reflection changes - ever so slightly - but enough for me to step back, then step into that reflection. Is it me? Am I so shallow that my reflection is taking over me? Time will tell.